Monday, September 26, 2016

Growing a human.

When I was younger and thought about having a family I somehow glossed over the fact that I had to get pregnant. I don't know what I thought, no big deal, it's only 9 months, It wont be that bad? The prospect of growing another human didn't quite hit me the way that it didn't hit many others my age until they go trough it.

This is my take on things since I have been pregnant.
I never realized that even though the baby is not here yet that she depends on me for everything, I have a responsibility to take care of a little human that by law isn't even considered a human yet. With that in mind it means that I have a more prominent responsibility to take care of myself. I have always been one to try and look put-together; I am also one that doesn't think twice when I think I can do something. "Hey is there anyway that you can work a 12 with screaming kids all day?" "sure" I didn't think about her. My rest is her rest, what I put in my body I put in hers. I know this will sound a little off but I don't feel like I have a body anymore, it's not just sharing it with her. She has taken over.

This little human in my tummy has taken over my body, it grows with her. She can make it hurt, she can make it heal. That to me was something that I may have known was going to happen but I didn't expect the weight of it. Really this post is like that, I knew all of this going in, I didn't expect the weight of it all.

I am 21 years old at this point, Brian is 25, we don't have everything figured out. Who does? At times I feel like I am a 5 year old playing house and taking on responsibilities that I am far to young to understand. Other times I feel that I am doing well for myself, that I am on track in my life. A lot of that is money, when I am stressed about it I am playing house and when I feel that I am okay with it I am on track.

It's a weight knowing that she is going to be here and depend on Brian and I for everything, we can do it. Brian will make an amazing father. The bond that they have is unreal, I can already tell you she will be a daddy's girl. As for me being a mother, others have told me time and time again that I would make a good one, time to prove it.

I hate that I no longer have a job, I don't like the fact that I have to depend on Brian for everything that I want and need. It's something that I had to do for her. Brian is more then happy to do everything that he can for us, I just hate feeling like I am not doing anything. I have to keep reminding myself that I was put off work for her. If I had continued to do go about the way that I had been she would have been put in harms way. It is up to Brian and I to keep her safe. This is what comes with growing a human.

I can't wait to meet her.

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